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Premarital Counseling
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Location: Blogs David SunfellowRelationship Insights |
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| Posted by: David Sunfellow |
3/7/2006 7:29 AM |
EXCERPTS:
"People get married on the basis of romantic love, which is a necessary but not sufficient foundation for marriage," said social worker Rob Scuka, executive director of the group that operates Relationship Enhancement. "What too many couples may ignore in the midst of true bliss are deep underlying issues that end up blowing up in their faces" once they're married...
One of the first things many premarital therapists do is to explode persistent myths that help sabotage marriages: that love is the most important predictor of marital happiness; that shared interests are a bulwark against divorce; and that true soul mates don't fight.
All are false, researchers have found.
"That's why people feel so set up," said Diane Sollee, founder of Smart Marriages, a marriage education clearinghouse based in the District. She notes that psychologists have found that all couples disagree about the same amount -- it's the way they manage conflict that distinguishes satisfied partners from miserable ones.
Unhappy couples and those who divorce tend to resort to what John Gottman, a Seattle psychologist and one of the pioneers of the study of marital behavior, calls "the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. They get stuck in negative, destructive patterns, have fewer positive interactions than happy couples and are unable to resolve problems.
Linda Peterson Rogers, a marital therapist who practices in Falls Church, said one of her goals in premarital counseling is to teach couples acceptance and a recognition that personality characteristics -- such as a tendency to be disorganized or late -- probably won't change after marriage.
Scuka said he tells couples that if they can't come to a satisfactory resolution, each partner has to decide how important the issue is. Chronic lateness may not be something worth breaking up over; chronic debt might be.
"Couples can and do have very great differences, but the key is a spirit of mutual accommodation," said Scuka. "The problem comes when it's clear one person's primary agenda is getting their needs met."
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THINGS ENGAGED COUPLES COMMONLY ARGUE ABOUT:
* Money
* Sex
* How to spend leisure time
* Religion and values
* How much time to spend with relatives
* Whether to have and how to raise children
* Where to live
FACTORS ASSOCIATED WITH MARITAL UNHAPPINESS THAT PARTNERS CAN CHANGE:
* The silent treatment
* Negative communication styles
* Inability to communicate during disagreements
* Unrealistic view of marriage
* Low levels of commitment to each other and the marriage
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Source:
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
By Sandra G. Boodman
Washington Post
Tuesday, February 28, 2006; Page HE01
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